The bend in the road, one year on...

One year.

There were days that I never would have believed that I would get to one year.

There were dark days filled with fear and grief and sadness. Days that whispered you will never see the end of this. You have messed everything up so much the world would really be better off without you.

Oh, I hope I never go back there.

Instead, one year on, I have hope. I have peace. I am almost, almost, ready to whisper, "I am happy." To silence the voice in my head every single morning that asks, "Were you happy?" To say yes, I was happy, and I am happy again.

Oh, that girl that I was one year ago. I want to hold her and say, it will be okay. You will survive. You, believe it or not, will thrive. You will become someone that you were meant to be.

How crazy, she would say. I like who I am, I like my family as it is, please go away and leave me alone.

No, I would tell her. You really did like who you were, you really did love your nuclear family as it was, and you really did not want any of this to happen. But, Joy, you are so lucky that it did.

Having your world shatter at your feet is not only the scariest feeling in the world, it overwhelms everything inside of you. Everything that you have worked so hard to build, this family that you have created, these dreams that you have, they all have to change. To shift and move. To create space around them that you didn't want to be there.

What is life like, one year on? Life is different. Life is joyful. Life is harder in ways, and easier in ways, and just different.

Our family is changed for the better. The girls are the center of your world and it is endlessly fun for that to be the truth. Life is full of junk food and old tv shows and this rabbit that somehow wormed its way into your heart. Life is full of movies and trips to Claire's and always getting to order dessert. Life is what you always wanted-these two beautiful girls who have movie dates and listen to show tunes and 90s music without complaining too much and who love you to the moon and back.



In Jenifer you have found a friend. Which seems hard to imagine. But now it has become hard to imagine how we did this without a Jenifer before. Jenifer is a partner in parenting, she listens, she loves the girls. She respects you as their mom. And-this is the biggest blessing-she takes care of Nick. Everything shifted, which took time to process and appreciate. But one year on, you are part of each other in a way that very few people seem to understand. You are blessed to have Jenifer in your life. I promise.



You are different. In mostly wonderful ways. You are more patient with yourself. You are more deliberate in your life. You are more sure of yourself-catcher of mice, cleaner of drains-you know yourself to be capable of anything. If there is a mountain in front of you, you climb it instead of simply staring at it and admiring its beauty.

You are learning. You are figuring out your truth. You are devouring books, you are eating right and exercising and amazed at how that clears your mind, you are determined to learn to cook, to learn a new language, to try everything that you were afraid to do before.

Of course, you are not perfect. You still screw up. You still worry endlessly that you didn't say something kindly. You aren't always kind. You still want to sleep way more than you should.

But mostly, mostly you are happy. You are finding your way on this new path. This bend that nearly took you to your knees. It was a gift, Joy Elizabeth. It was a gift of a stronger, healthier, more confident person. It's not always easy, it's definitely not always fun, but it's important and different and ultimately, it's going to lead to a beautiful life. I promise.