Drift Away....

Hello routine.

We have had exactly one week of a school routine, and I’m blissfully back to my usual routine in the best way possible. There are many days that I am unsure if I am doing life correctly-I mean, learning to let go was like the most important thing I learned from my divorce, surely? (Actually, not surely, because I learned so, so many things, but that was a big one.)

Like it or not, though, routine is my friend and I’m delighted to have it back.

Routine has meant the return of my podcast routine. Podcasts are my favorite (after books, of course) because you can listen while you do something else-this actually keeps me so much more focused. I listen to my podcasts in the morning while I do the workout, in the afternoon when I walk, while I clean, and most luxuriously, in the bathtub with a glass of wine.

My podcast routine is one of those things that I’m super proud of in my most nerdy way. So, I thought I would share.

Mornings are for news. New podcasts almost always drop at 6 AM, and I get up at 5 (that hour is for morning devotions, mediation, and coffee). I start my workout at 6 (after waking the girls up) and so my morning podcasts are Up First and The Daily.

(Side note-so far mornings have been fabulous now that we all three are back on the same schedule. The girls get up and fix their breakfasts and get ready for school with minimal fuss. I didn’t realize at all how much of a difference all of us being awake and asleep at the same times would make.)

My week breaks out like this:

Sunday- The Bible Binge
Monday- The Lazy Genius
Tuesday- Pantsuit Politics
Ten Things to Tell You
Wednesday- The Popcast
Thursday- NPR Politics
Friday- Pantsuit Politics
Saturday- On Being
The One You Feed

Somewhere in the middle of the week I usually find time for Pop Culture Happy Hour and The Diane Rehm Show. Every night I listen to The Skimm.

Weekends are for the book podcasts. My current favorites are What Should I Read Next?, SSR, and From the Front Porch. And I usually find time for Every Little Thing, Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations, The Next Right Thing, and Throughline- and I’m currently binging when I can the series on Mitch McConnell on Embedded.

I’m still making my way though 80s All Over, which is the two guys talking about all the '80s movies. Unfortunately, they had to cry uncle and give up in mid-1985, but I’m still on November 1980, so I’m good for a while. (I love listening to this because they talk about extremely obscure movies and as a movie geek nothing really thrills me more than movies that most people overlook.)

My music playlists make up my entire day at work (at last count, I have 150 playlists). I try as hard as I can to mix it up so that my co-workers don’t have to listen to the same songs over and over. (I do listen to the same morning playlist every day though, so they do have to listen to "September," which is my most favorite song of all time, every single day.)

It’s amazing to me how much my head has quieted since school started and we have a normal rhythm again. Once when I had a reading with Heather, she said that she had a vision of my brain as a bunch of spiders running in all directions and I was desperately trying to corral them. I wish my brain wasn’t spiders, but I totally understood what she was saying-I’m constantly trying to get everything into its place, like if I just can situate everything perfectly life will make sense. I’m well aware that can’t actually happen, but my routine just gives me such space to breathe and loosen up a bit. The girls and I are enjoying this season of not being so busy, of going to games and watching our friends play, of having evenings free to take walks together and to watch ‘80s and ‘90s television shows and just be.

A season of quiet is the reset that we needed.

525,600 Minutes...

It’s planner season. Which is just my favorite time of year.

Fall is coming, with its glorious pumpkins and cooler weather and football.

I keep reminding myself of that as we round this last corner of summer. The girls have their school schedules, so the past few days have been full of texting friends to find out who we know in each class (and worry when there is no one in a certain class that we seem to know). We walked through the high school to each of Betsy’s classes (I dream about being in the high school a lot and walking all over those hallways was a bit surreal to me). School supplies are ready to go, planners are brand new and full of promise.

This year we are taking a break from participating in any fall sports, which we have never done before. Felicity will still dance, but we are purposely taking a break from any structured sport. This came about after much soul searching on my part, and also on the girls’. We sat down and talked about what we really love about playing sports (being with friends and being a part of a team) and what we don’t like about playing sports (nerves about playing in front of people).

Betsy is an anxious soul, just like her mother. The amount of anxiety that she feels about being in front of people is easily overwhelming to her. I completely and totally understand because I am the same way. I have no idea if we are choosing the correct path here, because after all, she will only be young once, but I also know that, as much as she loves being a part of the team, the relief at the idea of just being a spectator was palpable when presented as an option.

It’s taken me four years now to fully grasp how life has changed-in the beginning I was constantly concerned that life not change for the girls, that they understand that they could still do all the things and I would just somehow make it work. After all, I have help-my parents always step in if for any reason I can’t be somewhere, and I am blessed with a flexible job with great hours.

Slowly, however, I have realized that it’s not just about ferrying the girls to all the things. It’s about being clear about the things that take our time away from each other. The girls are gone every other weekend during the school year, which doesn’t sound like a lot, but it has meant that all of the things that they want to do at home need to be done in that time frame.

I have friends who count down summers, who count down Saturdays-and when you share your parenting with someone, those summers and Saturdays are even more precious. So, for us, this fall is going to be about watching our friends and cheering them on and resting in a state of calm.

I would be lying if I didn’t say that I’m worried-I am worried that Betsy will feel left out of the fun of being on a team, that I’m teaching her to let her anxiety get the best of her. I honestly don’t know. As I tell the girls just about every single day, I don’t have all the answers. I’m making this up as we go.

I do know that the girls and I love nothing more than nights when I say we don’t have anything to do tonight. It’s our favorite. So I’m just going to hope that having more nights like that is exactly what we need.

What Remains Behind...

I’m struggling to decide if I’m a fan of summer 2019.

On the one hand, I had a wonderful vacation, the girls have enjoyed several cousins’ weekends, I truly do enjoy slowing down our pace and letting the girls stay up late and sleep in and all the things.

On the other hand, summer always undoes me a bit. Grateful as I am that Nick chose to leave, the fact is the world crashed in summer 2015 and even four years later I cart around a certain melancholy in the summer.

I do better with a schedule, but summer lends itself to upheaval-the girls are gone for a week at a time, so life careens from absolute stillness to absolute crazy. I love having my girls at home, but I have recognized this year that I have a period of readjustment when they come home from their dad’s-I have known for such a while that the girls had to readjust to being at home, to get back into our rhythm- but it was eye opening for me to realize that I have to adapt to their being home as well.

When the girls are gone there is such stillness I almost cannot convey it. There are nights that seem somewhat never ending, when I have finished my book and listened to all of the podcasts. My depression, which is always lying there, reared up just a bit this summer, not enough to undo me completely, but enough to exhaust my resources.

(I hate talking about my depression. With all that is in me, I hate it, because I am endlessly blessed and I always feel like it makes me seem unaware of how lucky I am to be living this life. But I also know that my depression is just a part of my health, just like any other health issue that someone would have to deal with. It’s a tricky balance for me.)

I have spent far too many nights this summer mindlessly scrolling through my phone because I can’t find the energy to do anything else.

Anyway, anyway…I have loved a few things in the past month that I need to tell you about.

Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood

Oh my goodness. I loved this. I almost want to say it’s my favorite Tarantino movie ever, but I do love Pulp Fiction and it holds a really special place in my heart, so it has to go just under that. In any case, though, Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood is so good, and I can’t say more than that because it would spoil it. I have so many feelings about this though, and all of them good.

The River by Peter Heller

Again, I can’t exactly say a lot about why I liked this book because that would spoil things. But it was an interesting, fast paced read that left me feeling all the things.

Come From Away

This musical was just what I needed to see in the midst of this summer of angst. A story of a small community coming together to help the passengers who were stranded on planes after September 11, it is all the reasons that I adore Canada-quirky, nice, and lovely. Such a life-affirming piece of theatre.

As we round this next bend into fall, which is my favorite time of year, I am a bit anxiously looking toward pumpkins and football and the soothing routine of the school year. Eventually summer 2019 will turn into a fond memory, as every summer eventually does, as the echo of summers past have become for me. What remains is always the good.

"Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower, we will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind.” – William Wordsworth

Vacation All I Ever Wanted...

Goodness. It’s been a couple of weeks because vacation, and then recovering from vacation. But it’s Friday, and I’m listening to my Friday playlist which makes me nothing but happy, and I’m anticipating my girls coming home tomorrow, and so all is just about right with the world.

On this vacation we ziplined through the Smoky Mountains, white water rafted, and indoor sky dived. We learned about Civil War history and Martin Luther King Jr. and my dear Margaret Mitchell. All of it the most fun. Sharing all of these with my girls is just such a blast. I am forever grateful to my parents and my sister and her family for allowing us to tag along.


I love being brave on vacation. I love that April seeks out such cool adventures and I love testing my limits.

Betsy and Mallory were my babies once upon a time. There were days I wanted to cry as my arms ached from holding one on each arm. I am so grateful that I was allowed that time with them, even as tired as I remember it made me, keeping two babies every day who were close enough in age to be twins. The reward is their close friendship with each other, of course, and also their close relationship with me. So, so blessed.

I’m sure that to many people the idea of driving around in a 15 passenger van with your entire family does not exactly sound like a relaxing vacation, but to me, I love us all being together. I love not being the only adult-something I completely took for granted in my prior life. I love that I just go where April tells me and Jeremy drives me and I love to a really ridiculous degree that we are all cramped together. They are my people and they know me at my absolute worst and they love me anyway.