I have been neglecting this space of late.
At the end of 2022 I started quite a few blog posts, only to never quite finish them. I gave up social media for Lent. Spring of 2023 was a whirlwind of Betsy graduating and life shifting. Summer seemed to fly by.
So, I come today with shreds of thoughts and words.
Felicity is bothered by the fact that I don't believe in divorce. (I'm always saying that the blog is about the fact that I am divorced, even though I don't believe in divorce, you know.) And she told me that there are very important reasons that people get divorced, like if they are being abused or are in a toxic relationship. And like a lightbulb over my head, I understood what she was meaning when she was so angry at me for saying that I don't believe in divorce.
What I mean, of course, is filtered through my own experience. I wasn't abused inside of my marriage. I was blindsided, yes, I was naïve and young when I made a promise to love forever.
I think that when I say I don't believe in divorce that's likely what I mean- just standing in front of a judge and dissolving my marriage didn't magically end everything.
I'm trying (and believe me, it is a struggle) to unlearn my tendency to filter everything through my own thoughts and emotions.
Heavens, that used to be the point of the blog- my unwinding all of these pieces that existed in the aftermath of my divorce. It was quite self centered. It was frankly selfish. It was grief and fear and the sadness of letting go of a part of myself.
And, you know, it's not that anymore because time heals.
21 years ago today I promised something that is still a piece of everything I bring to the world. I'm grateful every single day that I got to have that part of my life, if for nothing else that it brought my girls into the world and being their mother is the absolute best. But also for a million other reasons.
I'm blessed where I am. Loving those boys who don't know me, lost inside of books and movies and my own head. I don't want something new, which took a long time to just admit to myself. And yet, all of the blog posts end that way. I'm always just talking in circles around how life turned out to be what it was meant to be.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I'll never be 23 with anyone but you.
It's just that. All of that.
