I've had a revelation of late.
I remembered, quite out of the blue, that when I was in high school, I thought that I was in love.
Now, in all reality, I was not in love in the least little bit. (That is perhaps a harsh statement- I loved with my whole heart, as I still do, many people that I didn't know all that well in high school. And this person was my friend, and I knew him better than this sounds. But my point here is that I wasn't in love with him.)
When I think back on my life now, I usually sort of blot this person out. Or he's there, but on the edges. Where, of course, he was always meant to be. He was a friend who meant a great deal to me. But that was all that he was, ever.
He has a daughter who is a year older than Betsy, and so when we attend various going ons at the high school, sometimes I see her, and lean over and ask Betsy, "Now, who is that girl again?" And Betsy always rolls her eyes and tells me and I'm reminded that once upon a time this person meant the world to me.
And this particular time he stuck in my head a little longer, as I tried to understand how I let go of that person to the point that I barely remember to conjure him up in my memories of high school.
I think I was amazed that my heart had healed that up quite so well. It seems very unlike me.
It's been 7 years, give or take a couple of weeks, since, you know, life imploded. (There are a number of past posts that begin this same way, just change the date.) Life is full of so many wonderful things on this side of those 7 years, and none of them have to do with falling in love again, and there was a time when the thought of that- the thought of never falling in love again- made me feel like such a loser, like a sad little girl who wasn't invited to the party.
I can't quite say when that changed, but it did. The thought of never falling in love again doesn't seem sad or pathetic at all to me anymore.
I honestly, hand-on-my-heart don't know if I ever want to try to fall in love again. But just now I'm content with life as it is, and as it was- I was so lucky then, and I'm so lucky now. Blessed, always.
Stuff I'm Loving:
Run Towards the Danger by Sarah Polley
Sarah is exactly 2 weeks younger than me. The first time I ever encountered her, she was my beloved Ramona, and the second time, she was Sara Stanley, of my favorite television show ever, Road to Avonlea. I am, Sarah would say (and does, repeatedly in this book), the kind of girl that she would never have been friends with. Sarah is jaded and much cooler than me and as we have grown up together, I have always known that in reality we would never get on. I am one of the people that she describes in the book as a "wholesome-looking [girl], homeschooled, virtuous or overly innocent." Heavens, I named both of my children after Avonlea characters. I'm as much in the vein of those homeschooled, Christian girls as you can get (without actually being homeschooled).
All of that is to say, I know that my adoration of Sarah strikes people as strange, because she is so far removed from the young girl that I encountered at 11 years old in a role that she thought was stupid even then. But adore her I do, and this book is just another reason why.
The whole entire book is illuminating and memorable and just all the things. But in particular her chapter on Jian Ghomeshi should be required reading for all of us. Especially in light of the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial, and all of the subsequent articles about what this means for the #MeToo movement- Sarah's excruciatingly honest account of the considerations that one must make when it comes to deciding whether or not to add your (famous) name to a list of accusers is important.
Grappling with why we decide to continue engaging with someone who has hurt us is, I think, the most important conversation that any of us could be having right now. As always, I think this is a conversation full of nuance and grace and reading Sarah's words helped me to place my own feelings into a context that has alluded me for far too long.
She would never choose me for a friend, but I'm grateful that she has grown up alongside of me.
Out of the Corner by Jennifer Gray
This is a 180 degree turn from Sarah, but Jennifer's memoir is a delight. It's full of stories that I didn't realize that I was longing to hear. Most especially, though, it was a fascinating look at the life of someone that I feel like a own a piece of- I have watched Dirty Dancing hundreds of times, in addition to Ferris and Red Dawn and even If The Shoe Fits... because I am a true Jennifer Gray fan. Time Hop pointed me to an old blog post the other day that I had written in 2016 in which I compared Jennifer's career to Winona Ryder's. (This was pre-Stranger Things and I was lamenting Winona's' lack of roles and I said, "It's sort of like Jennifer Gray's career only on a much larger scale.")
And then she not only grapples with exactly that as her career dries up basically the minute she gets A-list famous, but she then befriends Winona (they also were both engaged to Johnny Depp- that chapter alone is worth recommending the book). She is true life best friends with Tracy Pollan, who is one of my most favorite people ever. She's funny and relatable and not Baby Houseman at all while still being exactly who I would hope Baby Houseman to be.
Stranger Things
Felicity and I love Stranger Things. We have to watch it separately because Betsy cannot handle any of the imagery at all, so Felicity watches it quickly and I watch it slowly (because I am old and understand savoring things that you enjoy) and then we send each other memes and argue with each other about whether or not Mike is a likeable character (he is). I love that "Running Up That Hill" is cool again. (Just as Felicity and I call "The Never-Ending Story" our song now.) I love everything about it and I will miss looking forward to it when it officially ends.
Stephen King Summer 2022
Laura Tremaine (one of the most delightful people on the internet) is once again hosting "Stephen King Summer." Last summer I read Carrie, Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption, and Misery. I genuinely enjoyed all three- I had only ever read one Stephen King book prior to last summer, which was The Shining. Laura has been reading Stephen King since she was young and wants everyone in the world to know what a great writer he is-she refers to herself as a "Stephen King evangelist." As someone who would likely not have read these books without prompting, I am the perfect audience for this- he is an extremely talented writer and I'm so grateful that I found this way to read his books and discuss and dive deep. The link to the website where Laura is hosting this is Stephen King Summer if you are at all interested in joining.
Other than that, I'm just reading a lot (I am keeping up with posting on Goodreads, which I used to be just terrible about), and the girls and I are watching Felicity (and I had forgotten how good the first season of it is), and we watched Dead Poets' Society at Felicity's request over the weekend, which led her down a fan fiction rabbit hole and I can't help but love how very, very much like me Felicity is becoming. Betsy is working at the pool again and working a giant puzzle while she rewatches The Brady Bunch for the millionth time.
It's always the same summer for the three of us and that's just how we want it to be. Forever.
