Figuring out alone....

Weekends go quickly around here.

It's kind of amazing.

At the beginning of the school year, weekends without the girls dragged on forever. I felt like I had nothing to do but stare at the walls and count minutes. I tried to read, but everything that I read last fall has melded together in my brain into pieces of mush. I don't really watch TV anymore except the news without the girls. I did go to the movies a lot, and while I enjoyed the show itself, I also often sat there feeling alone.

Alone basically was how I felt all the time.

Alone felt heavy and hard and sad.

Alone felt lonely.

Somehow, though, alone has morphed into something that I am enjoying. Books make sense again, thank goodness. Yoga kicks my butt, and I am so far from where I hope to be, but I enjoy it immensely. And sleep. My old friend. Sleeping as long as I want to-it's a luxury.

I still miss the girls. I look forward to picking them up and drinking them in while they tell me about their weekend. They always seem slightly changed. We are still learning, all of us, still growing into our roles, still pushing past feelings of sadness and grief. But we are all striving to find our place in this new family.

And my place includes this time to myself. Time to figure out where exactly I am going and what I want to do. I heard myself say to someone this weekend, "I hope that you enjoy your job. Because you should feel so excited that you get to do this everyday."

And as I was saying that, I realized that I genuinely mean that in my own life. I am so excited to go to my job everyday. I am so privileged to be Betsy and Felicity's mom. And I am even blessed to be Nick's ex wife. Somehow.

I am somehow happy to be in this mess that I call my life.