Jonathan Brandis would have been 40 years old today. If he were alive.
Wow.
It is hard to wrap my mind around Jonathan at any age other than about 18. But then again, I would surely feel that way even if he were still alive. He would likely be someone that you would look up on a 'where are they now?' site and be amazed at a receding hairline or much weight gain. But he would still have those piercing blue eyes. And I would remember how my little 12 year old heart sped up at the sight of those eyes.
Jonathan was my all-time favorite teen idol. I bought every teeny-bopper magazine that featured his picture when I was around 13. I made collages of photos. I learned everything I could about him from those magazines, which was mostly things like his favorite food was Italian and he liked Pepsi.
I loved him with all of my heart.
He starred in many movies that you surely don't remember, or at least have very hazy memories of watching at a slumber party with your friends and making fun of it. At least, if you are any of my friends from middle school, because it was at my slumber parties that I forced Jonathan upon you. The Never Ending Story II. Sidekicks. (Yes, I forced my closest friends to watch a Chuck Norris movie.) And my favorite...Ladybugs.
Ladybugs was a vehicle for Rodney Dangerfield. In it, he basically stars as his standup character, a kind of a sad sack guy, Chester Lee. Chester is really a great guy stuck inside of Rodney Dangerfield's body. He is trying to gain confidence by asking his boss for a raise so that he can marry Bess (Ilene Graff from Mr. Belvedere), but he somehow ends up agreeing to coach his boss' daughter's soccer team. It just so happens that Matthew (Jonathan), Bess' son and Chester's soon-to-be-stepson, is a soccer whiz. Wackiness ensues. Chester puts Matthew in drag to play as Martha. Jackee provides lots of comic relief as Chester's assistant. Matthew develops a crush on Kimberly, the boss' daughter, who is a terrible soccer player but drop dead gorgeous. Will Kimberly discover the truth? Will Chester get his raise? Will Chester and Matthew learn to love each other despite obvious character flaws?
It's all completely and totally ridiculous. And I loved it so much. I read an article a while back about teen idols and how many of them are actually very feminine looking, very 'pretty' boys on the verge of puberty. The article assumed that this was due to girls wanting someone safe, someone not really spit and cuss and muscle, like, say, Axl Rose. (Axl is another huge crush of mine...but that is a different blog.)
Anyway, all of that is likely true. This is an actual Leonardo DiCaprio quote, "My two main competitors in the beginning, the blond-haired kids I went to audition with, one hung himself and the other died of a heroin overdose..." Assuming, of course, that he is speaking of Jonathan and River. And River is just a whole different blog post, so I will let that lie. My point here is that we seldom think about how we adored these beautiful boys who grow into men with facial hair and deep voices.
But likely for me, my love of Jonathan probably had something to do with the fact that he was dressed as a girl. Sleepaway Camp had done its number on me by that point, and that movie made me obsessed with boys who dress as girls. So, so obsessed.
And so, I loved Jonathan. I watched SeaQuest DSV even though I didn't especially love it because he was in it. I obsessed over him. I disliked Tatyana Ali for no good reason because they dated and were very obviously in love. I watched a movie with him and Kellie Martin as druggies sometime when I was in high school, even though my friends made fun of the entire premise of the movie. I loved him long after I had graduated away from teen idols and 90210 and all things 13.
But somewhere along the line I stopped paying attention. Or maybe he just fell so far off the radar I couldn't find him. Or, as is most likely, I became obsessed with Nick Johnson to a ridiculous degree in the year 2000 and he just took over all of the space that I had for obsessing over anyone else. In November of 2003, Nick was in Iraq. My husband, who I loved with all that was in me, was in mortal danger every second of every day.
In November of 2003 Jonathan Brandis hung himself.
I don't know when I found this out, because it was not when it happened.
As a result, I kind of just have little snippets of news releases that I have found on the internet long after it was all over. And sadly, that is probably all that there even was at the time. But there is precious little to be found about Jonathan at all after his roles kind of dried up. He didn't leave a note. He was depressed over the turn in his career and drinking-that is all that you can find to sum up his final days.
Why would someone kill themselves in such a dramatic way? I say this as a person who has been up against suicide and a death wish more times than I care to admit. I understand depression. I understand grief. I understand the desire to go to sleep and leave everything behind.
I do not, however, understand being able to harm yourself in such a painful way. I don't understand leaving your body in such a way that you know whoever stumbles upon you is surely going to have issues to deal with for the remainder of their life.
I am sad that Jonathan would have felt so bereft that this would have seemed like a reasonable solution. I am sad for his parents every year on this day because I do know that he was an only child and I cannot imagine having the strength to go on if one of my children died, much less died in such a violent way.
I know in reality that I was just a young, dorky girl with a crush. One of millions of girls who professed their love to him and then years later moved on to actual human boys who professed to love them back. But love him I did. I would even watch that Chuck Norris movie again. Maybe.
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