What Remains Behind...

I’m struggling to decide if I’m a fan of summer 2019.

On the one hand, I had a wonderful vacation, the girls have enjoyed several cousins’ weekends, I truly do enjoy slowing down our pace and letting the girls stay up late and sleep in and all the things.

On the other hand, summer always undoes me a bit. Grateful as I am that Nick chose to leave, the fact is the world crashed in summer 2015 and even four years later I cart around a certain melancholy in the summer.

I do better with a schedule, but summer lends itself to upheaval-the girls are gone for a week at a time, so life careens from absolute stillness to absolute crazy. I love having my girls at home, but I have recognized this year that I have a period of readjustment when they come home from their dad’s-I have known for such a while that the girls had to readjust to being at home, to get back into our rhythm- but it was eye opening for me to realize that I have to adapt to their being home as well.

When the girls are gone there is such stillness I almost cannot convey it. There are nights that seem somewhat never ending, when I have finished my book and listened to all of the podcasts. My depression, which is always lying there, reared up just a bit this summer, not enough to undo me completely, but enough to exhaust my resources.

(I hate talking about my depression. With all that is in me, I hate it, because I am endlessly blessed and I always feel like it makes me seem unaware of how lucky I am to be living this life. But I also know that my depression is just a part of my health, just like any other health issue that someone would have to deal with. It’s a tricky balance for me.)

I have spent far too many nights this summer mindlessly scrolling through my phone because I can’t find the energy to do anything else.

Anyway, anyway…I have loved a few things in the past month that I need to tell you about.

Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood

Oh my goodness. I loved this. I almost want to say it’s my favorite Tarantino movie ever, but I do love Pulp Fiction and it holds a really special place in my heart, so it has to go just under that. In any case, though, Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood is so good, and I can’t say more than that because it would spoil it. I have so many feelings about this though, and all of them good.

The River by Peter Heller

Again, I can’t exactly say a lot about why I liked this book because that would spoil things. But it was an interesting, fast paced read that left me feeling all the things.

Come From Away

This musical was just what I needed to see in the midst of this summer of angst. A story of a small community coming together to help the passengers who were stranded on planes after September 11, it is all the reasons that I adore Canada-quirky, nice, and lovely. Such a life-affirming piece of theatre.

As we round this next bend into fall, which is my favorite time of year, I am a bit anxiously looking toward pumpkins and football and the soothing routine of the school year. Eventually summer 2019 will turn into a fond memory, as every summer eventually does, as the echo of summers past have become for me. What remains is always the good.

"Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower, we will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind.” – William Wordsworth