My New Year's Eve was not really very exciting this year. I actually just talked to the girls and then basically fell asleep. It is probably the first time in 30 years that I didn't at least make it to the ball dropping.
I did, however, watch When Harry Met Sally... yesterday. Which is how I always ring in the New Year. Harry is one of my all time favorite movies, and Meg Ryan's character of Sally Albright is one of my idols. In my life I have basically tried to emulate 4 fictional characters: Anne Shirley, Charlene Fraiser Stillfield, Corky Sherwood, and Sally Albright.
And here's the exciting part: I am so much like Sally! I have never watched When Harry Met Sally having gone through a break up. Basically because I have never been through one before. But this year, with all my wounds still fresh and stinging, watching this movie was like a balm to my soul. The character of Sally is trying so hard to move on, to accept that life is moving forward, and she refuses to feel anger over her life changing in such a huge way-it was me to a tee. Many, many people have told me that it would be best for me to just get really angry, to scream and fight and let that emotion overtake me, even if just for a little while. I don't doubt that they are right-it probably would feel good-but I have yet to really feel it, and at this moment I can't imagine that I will go there. I feel many things-most profoundly, overwhelming sadness-but I don't really feel anger.
I also feel panic. There is a line that Carrie Fisher's character utters that so describes me right this minute. She is telling Sally that she should get out there and date, and Sally's response is that she is in a mourning period. Carrie says, "All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband." Now, just setting aside the irony of me suggesting this applies to my life, this is how I am feeling at the moment. Like if I am not getting out and seeing people, the person that I am supposed to end up with might end up with someone else. But I also feel like I don't have all that much inside of me to give.
Which is all neither here nor there. What happens will happen when it happens. In the meantime, my plan is just to keep trying to heal and grow and become a better person. Let's hope.
My week has been fairly good, even if I did miss the girls like crazy. I spent an evening with my sister, which was so fun. I went out to eat with my friend Niki, which was good conversation combined with a delicious chili at Tumbleweed. I got my hair done. I went to yoga. My radio did this weird cutting in and out on my way home from April's, which made a mash up of Little Drummer Boy and Turning Japanese, which was wicked cool.
And tonight I get my girls back. We will make our resolutions. Mine is basically to keep healing. Here's to 2016-let's hope it's the best year yet.
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