When I chose release as my word for 2020, I didn’t realize the ramifications. 2020 has been filled to the brim with so much feeling and it’s been a long time since I allowed myself to drown inside of what sometimes seems like mountains of emotion.
(Mixing metaphors…still my thing.)
When I chose the word release, I meant it in a sort of metaphysical way- like, I'm letting go of the idea that I'm going to understand all the things, or that I'm going to release my grip on my insistence on routine. I wrote things like, "When something slips through your fingers that you held onto much too tightly it takes a long time to forgive yourself for letting it go." That was sort of the gist.
Instead, the world turned upside down, and the idea of control has slipped from my grasp, perhaps forever.
I found myself saying to the girls at the bank the other day- people do crazy things when they think they cannot control anything. This blog is proof of that, again and again.
Everyone having big feelings right now is normal- whether they are trying to prepare, whether they are creating schedules, whether they are rolling their eyes.
My personal coping mechanisms include watching old movies (the girls and I watched Far and Away yesterday, and they loved it every bit as much as I do, and on Saturday I introduced them to both Ghost and Never Been Kissed and we watched Frozen 2); listening to podcasts- mostly happy, easy listens about books and pop culture; reading (Felicity and I are working through The Westing Game, which I read one time as a kid, but I remember nearly nothing, and Felicity loves a good mystery, so it's terribly fun); and, when I'm almost to a coma with my anxiety, watching HGTV and eating potato chips.
For the two introverts in our house, this is not a terrible pain. For Felicity, this is harder- she brings her Barbies into my room just to be in the same general vicinity, even if I'm doing something boring.
As my humble offering to your own sanity, I offer my podcast spreadsheet, complete with my favorite podcasts broken out into how often I listen to each:
Podcast Spreadsheet
If you need something to cheer you up, The Popcast is the best I can point you toward. 80s All Over and SSR are also two so high on the list just now- I crave anything from the 1980s/early 1990s like oxygen when I am stressed, and both offer up a balm to my harried soul.
I found myself twice this past weekend reaching for my wedding rings, a habit I had long since broken. Stress does strange things, sends your mind to odd places. Things seem scary, but also, I'm not, and never was, in control of this.
On the other side of that release, we will realize that it was faith carrying us all along.
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