Reflections (Visions of Johanna)...

October is a month of reflection for me.

I’d like to think that’s because of the change in seasons, because my birthday is two months away and I’m pausing to truly embrace what my thirties have taught me (which, by the way, is so, so much), that just like the earth, I am entering into a new season of life.

(It’s truthfully about a lot more than that. But we’ll put a pin in that.)

I’m sure, always and forever, the defining moment of my thirties will be right there in the middle of it, the day that my divorce was final. There is a sharp before and after. But my thirties were a time of such growth, such becoming who it is that I want to be.

I became a mom at 25. Which seems like a baby to me now, but it seemed like I had waited forever at the time. My twenties were filled with Goodnight Moon and Sesame Street and tummy time and honestly believing that I had to do everything just right or someone would figure out that I was wholly undeserving of these girls who had been entrusted to my care.

My thirties allowed me to grow into the mom that I am now. I mess up, and I own it, and we go on. Sometimes dinner is tuna fish sandwiches. Sometimes dinner is tater tots. Sometimes I realize too late that I’ve let them watch something as inappropriate as The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

When I think back on who I was in my twenties, I really can’t remember. Because my entire being was caught up in being a mom and a wife. I honestly didn’t know who I was outside of those roles.

My life now is simple and small. It’s full of a joy that exists inside of writing things that no one else ever reads. It’s full of a joy that exists inside of a warm blanket, a cup of tea, and a good book. It’s full of a joy that exists inside of two girls who put together dances to music that we listen to loudly. It’s full of a joy that exists inside of waking up at 4:30 in the morning and inhaling a cup of coffee and pushing myself to do all the push ups and all the squats for nothing other than that it makes me feel good to start the day that way.

That old Joy, she loved her life so much. But she couldn’t have told you any of those things.

Two months from today, I will be 40. I know all of the things that I’m hoping that a new decade will bring into my life. But for today, on a somewhat dreary October day, looking into the future too far just doesn’t interest me. I’m blessed to be here. We’ll figure it out as we go.