Kind hearted people often tell me that they admire me for being able to be friends with Nick and Jenifer. It’s a lovely thing to hear, but I don’t always know how to respond. Because really, there’s a lot to unpack there.
People often say something along the lines of, “It’s great for your kids that you are friends.” And it is, it is a great thing for my kids to witness. But my head usually reels to people that I know that are divorced who either don’t really get along with their ex-spouse, or who honestly have no choice about it either way because their former partner is completely out of the picture.
And this is the thing that I want you to know if you read my words ever and think that I magically knew just how to handle my husband having a whole other family and how to approach that with any kind of grace at all-I didn’t. I made up everything as I went along, and I did a few things correctly, and I also messed up a lot, and suppressed a lot of my feelings, and therefore ended up stuck in waves of grief for what seemed a long, long time.
I approach everything in my life, always, with the questions, “What would a good mom do? What would a good daughter do?” and so on. So, when all of this came down the pike, I asked myself, “What would a good ex-wife do?”
The answer to that, of course, is simple. A good ex-wife would let her husband go with as much grace as she could muster, and wish him all the best, and hold tight to her kids while understanding that they need to have a good relationship with their dad, if only because everything that you read during your divorce makes a point to tell you that children who have divorced parents are more likely to go down dangerous paths of drug use and promiscuity and all kinds of lovely avenues. It’s super fun.
But the reality of living that answer is not that simple.
Sometimes people will say to me, “I would stay friends with my spouse because that’s the {fill in the blank}.” Father of my children. Mother of my children. Person I first fell in love with. You name it, there’s a reason. And in the abstract, yes, of course. Nick is the father of my children. He was my first love. Heavens, Nick was my first real and true boyfriend. Can’t go much farther back than that.
But here’s the deal: divorce changes people. There are all kinds of things to maneuver around. There are the reasons that you are getting divorced, to start. There are feelings of abandonment, of loss, of fear. There are new people coming into your life who get to have a say in this new reality. There are decisions to be made, and wounds to be healed, and dreams to lay to rest (I want to write dreams to kill right there, but that seems passive aggressive).
My point with this particular post is simply this: this friendship is hard won, and it’s not perfect, and I worry constantly that it’s not enough. I have issues with boundaries, you know. But I’m working on it.
There isn’t an easy way to say any of that if someone says anything, good or bad, about my continued friendship with Nick and Jenifer.
Divorce is a messy thing. Nothing about untangling yourself from someone that you loved is easy or simple. But eventually, perhaps three years later, you will find yourself excited about being brave, and learning all kinds of new things, and getting yourself tangled up in new adventures, and just feeling forever grateful for whatever grace existed to get you to this place where all of life feels shiny and new again.
To make an end is to make a beginning.
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