Today is a day.
Today is the day that I signed my dissolution papers. 2 years ago, so terribly sad and hurt and all the things that I have mostly blessedly put behind me.
2 years seems important.
14 years ago Nick came home from Iraq. On his birthday. Which is today.
The irony of it does not escape me-14 years ago my life felt like it was finally beginning, after such a year of ache and worry and longing for my husband. 12 years later to the day I ended my marriage.
My life, this blog, my decisions about everything from my kids to my hair-everything revolves around that decision that I made 2 years ago.
It was me who filed the paperwork, me who hired a lawyer, me who wrote out the dissolution-it was effectively me who took all the steps, who put the final nail in the coffin of what had been Nicholas and Joy.
It was also me who did not want to end my marriage.
I did everything Nick ever asked me to do, up to and including divorcing him.
I found myself saying to someone the other day that the blog is about the fact that I don't believe in divorce, and yet I am divorced.
The fact is, 14 years ago, I couldn't have imagined I would ever allow myself to be divorced. I thought that we had lived through the hardest thing, the gut wrenching pain that accompanied a spouse being deployed to a war zone.
In case you are wondering, the divorce was much harder. On me, anyway.
Life is changing, as always, life is moving along and taking me to places that I would never have reached if I had stayed married to Nick. Life is shifting, turning corners at what sometimes seems a breakneck speed.
It's bliss.
Bliss that I wouldn't have if I had stayed married.
It makes my head spin.
I know in reality, it doesn't even matter. I am divorced, and if I can be divorced and be even happier than I was when I was married, then that should just settle it, and let's move along, shall we?
I can't explain in words how sad that sentence makes me, while at the same time offers my heart such peace.
Inside that moment 2 years ago, that girl trying so hard to hold it together as life shattered all around her, all she wanted was to believe that inside of sadness there could be hope. That is what I'm offering her with this post today.
Everything that I write is for her. Everything is to try so hard to make her understand that life is beyond anything she ever dreamed. Letting go of the thing that she held most precious in the world led to life beyond her imagination.
It's a Hallmark movie metaphor, I know. But it's true. So cue Paul McCartney singing "Wonderful Christmastime." On the face of this girl healing through grief and time and more grace than she could ever have been worthy of.
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